The Great American Status Update

Our current era is father to a new novel of sorts, or at the very least an entirely revolutionary form of literary self-expression. Unlike any form of creative writing that came before it, it is often conceived, scripted, edited, and revealed to the public for mass consumption in less than a minute, making it the perfect model for both artist and consumer in this post-MTV reality that demands instant gratification and absorption. But it is not without it's challenges. It often involves being forced to limits one's thoughts to 160 words or less, and less humorous or poignant ideas get lost under the constant stream of their replacements. Despite these limitations, it is more and more becoming the way both scribes and those less inclined to the page choose to voice an opinion, mood, or creative impulse. I am of course speaking of the phenomenon commonly referred to as "The Status Update."

The craftsmanship, creativity, and overall worth of status updates varies as much as the quality of a burrito served from a hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint: some are worth their weight in gold and some will make you swear your shit has a pulse. The information can be as trivial and horrifically crafted as, "EATING HAGGIN DAZZZZ!!!! YUMMERZ! LOL!!! to the most poetic and inspired diatribes , a modern day sonnet that speaks of love, culture, and of life in the present. When a writer reads the best realized status updates, it can conjure up feelings of jealousy and bafflement, where one might think essentially, "Why didn't I think of that?" or, "That's exactly how I feel RIGHT NOW," feelings very much akin to those felt by generations of authors, after reading "The Great American Novel."

Our nation has been in search of The Great American Novel since at least 1868 when John William DeForest first mentioned the concept in The Nation, the oldest continuously published magazine in the US. For those that don't know, "T.G.A.N." is any book widely regarded to best reflect the general state of mind and ideology of the American people at the time it was published. Classically accepted examples include The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Grapes of Wrath, and The Catcher in the Rye.

But the term has come to refer to more than just published and highly regarded works. It is in fact most commonly used in our current culture as an idealistic ultimate, something nearly every writer pursues and strives for but realistically will never wholly realize. But, it is a realizable goal, however difficult to attain, and every so often, a book comes forward that is added to T.G.A.N. lexicon.

Can one apply this lofty pursuit to the current climate that limits authors to such short attention from their public? Is there a Great American Status Update? Is there an update that encapsulates everything "T.G.A.N." implies? Does it represent the general climate of our population, does it reach a pinnacle of creativity and genius, and does it inspire and unify those that absorb it? Is it possible to execute such a piece for such a distracted audience that they might take enough notice to herald your achievement and accurately deem it The Great American Status Update (T.G.S.U.). I say it is, and it is my duty to be the first to achieve this, and it is my hope that I am the first to conceive of this concept so that I might be duly rewarded in the future as Money Balls McDaniels, or, "the dude that thought of that shit first." From this point forward, all postings labeled as The Great American Status Update are those I deem at the very least an attempt at a T.G.S.U. if not an actual humdinger. I will always limit myself to 160 characters or less, so that my T.G.S.U. might be accepted universally as the best ever in the history of dope shit.

I'll leave you with my first attempt:

I wonder if my iPod's wheel spins as I run my finger along it, or if the universe spins around it.
Pantz on da Ground is my shit. Godless.

Yeah. This isn't going to be easy.

Why I miss The U of A

From the University of Arizona's police beat:

Hot dog spends evening in big house

UAPD officers were on patrol in the area of Vine Avenue and First Street on Nov. 1 at 12:46 a.m. when a man in a hot dog costume jumped out into the street in front of their fully marked police cruiser. The man jumped from the sidewalk to the street, extended the middle finger on his left hand toward officers and screamed, “Fuck you.” Officers exited the vehicle and made contact with the man. They asked him for identification and he replied that he did not have any on his person. Officers noticed the strong odor of intoxicants coming from the man’s mouth as he spoke. Police asked the man how old he was and he replied that he was 19. Police then asked the man for his name, which he gave as Michael Joseph Jackson. Police attempted several times to determine the man’s real name and age, but he continued to provide false information. Officers eventually determined who the man was and placed him under arrest. During a search of his person, officers discovered a fictitious California driver’s license. They cited the man on charges of false reporting to a law enforcement officer, possession of a fake ID and minor in possession. He was additionally issued a civil citation for obstructing traffic. He was transported to Pima County Jail where he was booked.