Welcome to My Fortress.

I've started a blog. Right at this fucking moment.

I'm working on a TV called Ass Fucking World Championships (working title) as a researcher. For those of you unfamiliar with the inner-workings of reality TV, a researcher is what they call a writer on such shows. That is because they don't want to pay us as writers, they just want to mine my brain like a Santa Monica tranny's inner-cavities, but they want to pay me much less than the tranny would receive for receiving said tunnel gouging. By not calling me a writer they can use all my ideas, not freak out the WGA, and pay me less than the kid who moves the desks around and stocks our kitchen with mini-snickers and Halloween themed pretzels. Am I bitter? Fuck you.

Anyways, a show runner is the guy who runs the show. Ours is sick. He's a good dude and a great boss and it sucks ass. (It ain't his fault I signed up for this creative raping.) We now have no boss, great chances of the show evaporating, and more free time than Danny Bonaduce. So...I'm finally starting a blog.

Why?

Because for years I've seen the likes of Perez Fucking Hilton paint a picture of Hollywood that I detest. Fuck you.

Because I've personally seen bald dudes with glasses from Brooklyn become more powerful than Jimmy Iovine just because they write a blog where they post concert pics and say an album sucks donkey nuts or on the other hand gently licks model boobs. These dudes have gotten us onto a party bus on New Years Eve in Brooklyn that was filled with music execs who paid to be on board and a band billed as The Drunkest G and R Cover Band in the World as our musical entertainment. They threw off paying execs so we could get on. Why? This dude writes shit. Case closed.

Because I'm sick of these hipster blogs where some dude named Gecko Lizard takes pictures of some underage skanks in American Apparel and head bands, licking the face of some roasted douche with a mustache and some shades that are no longer ironic. This side of Hollywood is just as bullshit as the Strip side. Then there are these other bloggers that hate on this dude, but act the fucking same.

Because I want money, power, and bus rides with cover bands. Because I'm a writer. And most of the bloggers aren't capable of spelling their mother's maiden names or brushing their fucking teeth. Because I know about this city of Hollywood and I go on great, lyrical adventures that need a platform for the world to hear. Because this will motivate me to go to those stupid events that I would normally not go to. Just fucking because.

So I am starting this blog because it will make me rich and popular and culturally relevant and get me in to those parties you shit heads want to be in. It will make me powerful. Eat my shit.