The World's Most Famous Welder

The star of Ass Fucking World Championships is quite possibly the world's most famous welder. He is supposed to challenge himself in death-defying adventures...that is the main premise of the show. The problem is, despite this welder's reputation for being hard as steel and all that machismo bullshit, he is surprisingly a massive pussy fart and sets parameters for an adventure show that are as limiting as a porn star packing one inch of man meat.
Willie Welder will not:

• Fall
• Jump
• Get cold/hot
• Get wet
• Hang glide
• Snowmobile
  
• Ski
• Snowboard
• Sail
• Fight
• Climb
  
• Touch another man
• Rappel
  
• Anything remotely or feasibly adventurous

Why? These are all, "Too gay." Truth. That is his response. Do you see why I hate Ass Fucking World Championships now? I want this chode sucker to weld his balls to his forehead.